IMMORTAL EXISTENCE

My Decision Tree

2011-06-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

well this blog is not about anything related to decision tree algorithm no its not even remotely related .

She made a decision when she was young and restless.Many things unanswered many issues unsolved .She wasnt even clear why she took that one step and why she trusted the same person who told her that if you trust someone and that sumone breaks your trust its your fault in the first place to trust him/her.Well she went through it all and while she thought that her decision was right that following her intuition was leading her to something beautiful she forgot to see the truth.He blinded her and no he didnt take advantage nor did he misuse her for that matter he didnt do nything even close to that.All he did was teach her a lesson.

Decisions i feel are made complex by the very own simplicity of choosing.I would rather chose than decide though they almost are equivalent yet the word Decision makes me feel responsible makes me feel that the outcome would be solely aimed at either destroying me or in my favour.

"And somehow she felt like she was helpless of her own doings like the world had indeed "decided" not to give her the one thing she knew deep down belonged to her.Would she live on or would dat one wrong decision kill her being and change her existence.Immortal she thought she was yet he killed her.Her decision was against her and all dis while she was in a bliss, her heart knew that this was right and this was it.but it wasnt and late she knew it wud change her may be forever."

life is indeed like a decision tree based on the decisions u make , it gets classified , sometimes sorted sometimes even more complex all based upon the "splitting attribute", the order in which they are chosen.and once u make a decision at one level of life theres no way of returning to that level again to change wad is already done .U decide and its done U are indeed classified now its always a sucess or a failure nothing in between.

But life isnt so cruel, though my decision tree had many levels of a failed output and i thought that i chose the wrong path and that nuthing would make it right, the beauty of the tree unfolded all of us do reach success may be sum reach it early others late but all reach there ultimately and sumtyms its ur wrong decisions that you once thought they were turn out to be the exact reason of ur sucess.

"And wen she thought it was over did it actually began.May be her decision wasnt wrong after all May be thats wad destiny had planned out for her.May be she deserved a Life much better than him. May be her fate had been written she was supposed to be immortal always and just the rain immortalised her.Her destiny was the rain and she did reach it."

Using the power of decision gives you the capacity to get past any excuse to change any and every part of your life in an instant. ~Anthony Robbins

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell

see the sun go down in your eyes...

2011-02-20T06:09:00.000-08:00

Its not that other eyes havent attracted me so much. But its not even that i ever had seen eyes like his.It amazes me how life gives you beautiful little things to observe and be happy yet most of us wait for luxuries that define the world.I was lost and had a bubble wrapped around me.Had fears of people knowing what i really was.I just wanted to keep to myself certain things that i knew no one would understand .And there he was reading me in and out .Thats what i hated about him the most.He just looked and those same eyes that made you stare , read you and your thoughts and made your mind feel naked .

Love is poisonous, its even more toxic.But something about being so beautiful that all the toxicity neutralises. And yet his eyes when meet mine i fear nuthing , not even him reading my thoughts. Its just beautiful to have him look at me that way.Pure and immortal ,Blessed and divine.

Have you ever found sumone with those eyes that you wished no matter what they never left your gaze.Those eyes that in the biggest storm made you feel grounded.Those eyes that hypnotised you.Its beautiful when you have those pair of eyes set on you .It makes you know that out of all the shit that life puts you through you know you have him .No matter what .

Its strange but those same set of eyes i hated once have made me fall for them not cause the predicted me. But because i saw the sun go down in his eyes.

Love in all its forms

2010-09-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt the need to supress your feelings for someone , just because that someone wont understand???
Love beyond everything is vast and amazing, but its weird how people have narrowed it down, how from ages its been restricted to certain predefined notions, and how an attempt to break those constraints leaves you all by yourself.
why do we have to have a name for every relation, cant the feelings just be there known and yet not confirmed, why has love always have to be so filtered and acceptable....
when you know theres a strange connection that you can't define, the freedom that a person gives you and the joy you have when he/she is around yet you dont want to name the relation when asked about it.

this is dedicated to a dear friend of mine who is yet to know that when sumone says love it doesnt always mean in an obvious way...
I love you , in a very special way, and i dnt find the need to tell anyone what kind of a relation i have with you, cause we both know, no one would understand.
the world has its own ways ,the truth only you and i know....

"ur d most amazingly astounding , wonderful person dat i have ever known....i am not an idiot.....i know how the world works....but i m too involved now ....u jump i jump ....remember..." :)

The mixed colours.

2010-09-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

Its hard to even remember where it all started. I cant recall when i knew how to solve it right and how happy i was dat i solved it.Its all a distant memory...

Fame is what he dint need yet ultimately it led to all that he later felt, there were changes....changes that were so strong that it almost changed the way he looked at the things that once made him happy.And it wasnt his fault ...it was no ones.Yet he was disturbed by the mere curiosity and competition that surrounded him.

had he forgotten what he once was? had it got to him nd poisoned his pure mind, did it not matter now who he was or what he had become.?

the colours of the world had blurred and so had his thoughts. he was blinded by what he acheived so much that it ultimately buried his desires for more.he taught many others to solve the same yet somewhere the very thing that brought him joy.....cursed his life .

the colours all arranged no longer made him happy .theres a way with the world i would call hype , whenever sumone does something people just follow like the herd of sheeps...just aimlessly doing what others do...and moreover compete .isnt it strange that how influential even the smallest talents can be...people just would blindly run behind it even if its not for them...even if they are hardly interested in it...

there was this strange hype about the rubiks cube in my class...well and with no offence to all those who blindly tried to learn it nd den beat each other at it...really it doesnt matter...no one remembers i just remember the rubiks cube in his hand....all colours arranged and a broad smile on his face.... :)

Kohl rimmed eyes

2010-07-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

She walks down the lane , the one that she has walked for years now, people recognise her and smile she smiles back.There is nothing new about her appearance the same regular gait and the same glowing smile.Its dark and the moon has reached its highest point, the sea has been attracted towards the moon.She loves the darkness she loves everything about being alone.The wind flows through her hair and it makes her fell amazingly free.the little things she likes have all gathered to make her happy the wind the darkness and the moon.There is something different though in all the similarities , an aura that shines around her, a feeling of strength and power that can be seen.

her eyes are brighter than usual , they are twinkling and anyone who knows her can say she is different today,much bright and much more powerful than always.She can speak through her eyes and yet she never trusts them .They have given her away at times and she has learnt how to enslave them to her own good.

The kohl around her eyes has smudged and she herself cant make out what is it shes looking for, everythings a blur ,her mind sees flashes and her eyes are blind toward what her mind thinks ,she wants to let go. She wants to end this happiness ,she wants to feel the pains again, she needs to be human again ,she begs for sanity in her life!!! While death answers it all ,she lies among the woods breathing still waiting for that one last breath and it arrives freeing her from all the mortal things .

life made her happy, now death tries to please her, as she lies beneath the starlit skies , the girl with the Kohl rimmed eyes.

Random ...

2010-06-28T00:32:00.000-07:00

WEll the last time i wrote or thought about writing ,i feel i had a different mindset of everything, including me.and for long i havent felt like writing about anything, its weird though how something i loved doing had managed to stay away from me.Well this is nothing specific its just about random things that keep happening.
As life has taken turns all the way i keep forgetting where i started from and where i ended , and i dont regret any of the things that happened including the things i did wrong.
i realsed in all this shit that life gives us the only thing that makes us or breaks us is ourself..trust me no friend no family can no matter how hard they try can ever understand what you are going through, i have been through rough patches, locked myself in my room and blasted the stereo for god knows how long, i have cried for hours, sometimes for myself sometimes on why i let someone hurt me, and sometimes just for some close people who are in the same hell as i am...
.all of this has made me strong, atleast enough to face what life has and smile through it all.sometimes i feel glad there is a hell....else how would you know the pleasures of heaven..

If sometimes you feel things are getting painful around you then sometimes rather than breaking free from it its better to face it atleast you will be free from the run away guilt i am glad i did!!!

note:: this is to the last two years and all the people who made it hell and heaven thank you!!!

Accidentally in love.

2009-11-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

well like the title suggest this post is about love....well its not something you would expect typically, infact it wont come even close to what you might have expected. Being a teenage girl this isnt something new, its so common that infact i get freaked out at how many times this topic is mentioned around me....i have seen typical romances, the mushy ones, the weird ones, the forced ones...normally i know when this topic comes to your mind all it makes you wonder is about your girl or your guy thats if you have one if you dont well then you think about the girl/ guy you have a crush on!!! not delaying further read on i dnt think nything better can explain the text below besides itself!!!

No and dont expect a love story ahead .....

the following is an insight to a p.d. of a girl

how my mind wanders in different areas is immaterial ,now that you've entered all departments of my mind m always thinking about why the hell do i have to like sumone like you....???? my life was so much better before you came....i always had friends who were out with guys but then theirs was such a simple case and mine seems soooo complicated...but somwhere down the line i want you to know all that i went through , not that i will tell you ever, because whenever you are around i am unable to form words that you will understand...

Note :"i dont want to love you"

sometimes love happens accidentaly and to the most repelling person ever!!!

PLANNING TO GET DRUNK

2008-07-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

we are from the society that respects girls and so drinking was out of question for us, till we were in college, now the thing was yes ofcourse we wanted to experiment, being girls it was rather difficult ,i mean the thought also took very long to come ,college got over and freinds parted, in different colleges, different fields, and different places, so we girls actually just four of us decided to have a cocktail party before the last farewell, after which we wud'nt meet but just be in contact with the communiction provided ( courtesy: orkut, graham bell,and who invented cell phones )

so here goes the plan and the journey through the planning of the day we got drunk,

well did we get drunk finally?
read on to find out.

LAST FEW DAYS IN COLLEGE.
characters //
me
isha
rini
ayesha

me:finally we r out of junior college, how in school i waited to get here, and now i wait to get out of this place
rini: (cuts me) arre we dint really enjoy college dats y,
me: what do you mean by enjoy, this place is a haunted house, did you even come to college besides pracs???

ayesha:(staring at a dude cuming our way) arre no re dis college is definitely not haunted , there are dudes here ,(winks at rini)

i noticed isha , she was quiet all this while, somehow i and isha were mirrors i mean there were times she dint have to say a word to me to tell what had happened , same was the case with me.
isha had dis innocent face, and her smile was pure , but given a choice she would be the naughtiest girl ever,well i tried to figure out why she was quiet but gave up meanwhile rini and ayesha were busy making plans post admissions, i nodded to whatever they said, as we passed the mucky college grounds, the college boasted about a ground, i doubt it was worth calling it one
we past the canteen, and i turned around and looked at it one last time, we spent most of our time there, and probably that was the only place i would miss later,.

rini: lets have a party yaar , now that evrythings over, weve all set to become engineers, those engineers who will create the new world, who will prevent hacking, who will construct the new era (she said mockingly)

well rini is a kind of girl who keeps her calm in the wildest situation , she can take evrything and anything as a joke i like her spirits keeps me sane in this world at times.
isha was still quiet i looked her way and just smiled she smiled back, something told me she was very sad from within, she could fake smiles at her wish finally she spoke.

ISHA SPEAKS FOR THE FIRST TIME

isha:lets have a cocktail party guys wat say?
the world almost shook beneath ayesha's feet she wondered wat she had just heard, was it true or were her ears mistaken,

(ayesha is this simple girl who is innocent and the decent types,lives in her romantic world, and puts her head down while returning home)
ayesha: what r u upto, what did you just say, cocktail( she whispered , to isha, like it was some bad word, or some curse wich was not to be spoken aloud)
isha:yes cocktail (she said it as loud as it cud be)
me: im in
rini:im in too

ayesha was trembling head to toe i felt like laughing but didnt given ayesha , she would have cried that we all thought it to be a mere word for ayesha "cocktail"was like killing a bird and taking its tail out .
ayesha:you all ok, i mean ...what the hell ...you know whats a cocktail?
rini:i know its not a cocks tail, y r u getting hyper its just cocktail..( she laughed aloud )
i turned to see ayesha , and i could tell her she was about to cry, i mean she was in tears, like we had mentioned killing or something, no she dint cry , but i mean big deal, what about cocktail?)

me: dear its just a drink, not poison and wats the issue wid it?
ayesha: i know but you know it gets you on a high, i mean its liquor you know na, we r nt yet 18 and we are girls,

well the first reason was weird and the second went over my head

isha:cmon ayesha, dont be a kid now every ones in your the one left
ayesha: il come i wnt drink is it ok?
me: yes it is.
i just said that i know ayesha would finally give in , actually she had no choice, we were her only friends after her breakup with this guy in our class. and i knew she would try it ...so i agreed

we went home that day, and mymind was all into this
1. why was isha so quiet, what had happened, evrything was alright as far as i know
2.why did she say a cocktail party, given that she did not like guys who drink and smoke
3.why did ayesha create such a scene
4.the most important thing how did i agree?

top 2 were my major concern and the last one....i mean even i siad a yes without actually thinking i dont kno how did i say a yes, now i knew if i said no everyone would feel bad, but i dint wanna get drunk not even a cocktail that is.

PLANNING THE VENUE (the most funniest decisions of our plan)

well none of us had been to places wher you get cocktails, we always stuck around with the usual,
mac d, ccd, and some local food shops, and we hadnt tried out nything out of the way to go to any hi fi restaurants, so we called up this guy friend of ours who well ofcourse had knowledge about the places to go.

no one had the courage to speak on phone so rini took the lead
rini: hey dude rini here, hows life?
he:fine babes wassup wid ul, dint see ul long tym
rini:ya man, busy wid dese sick admissions, nywyas had work for u
he:sure
rini: ok we want to have dis cocktail party, could you suggest a place where we cud go as in all girls
he: are u sure you want to go? i mean ur group dats isha , amruta, ayesha ?????and ayesha????
rini: yeah u have a problem wid that( she said rather retaliating)
he: no man was just concerned nyways ...all of u 18?
rini :no two of us yet not
he: then there may be problem as in some bars check ur id and all...
rini:tell me where they dont
he: theres this one place called "cents" but the place is weird its on a terrace and i doubt it safe for girls.
rini hated this bias among girls, she almost was angry but i just told her he was r friend thus concerned ask him the adress

rini : hmm we will check on that where is it?

she took down the adress and kept thephone down, ayesha was still in a "are you sure" mode she kept asking me about are we surely going or not, i mean she had actually asked me 22 times by now, its a big deal she thought sometimes i felt like changing my mind, but i was adamant at the same time,

i turned to look at isha, she was staring out of the window, into the sky, we were at my place, her eyes were satisfied with the blue sky, there was a pain i thought she was trying to forget, but why dint i kno about it, she didnt speak at all ,dese days, sometimes we wondered whether she was in the same room as us,this was creating an anxiety in me for heavens sake speak up isha.

rini was all excited the venue was decided, she and her boyfriend checked out the place and she was fine with it and so we all agreed, actually we all r a lzy bunch so we agreed by rinis rules, we dint really bother, actuall i and isha dint at all, we both were imagining ourselves high on may be a cocktail or two....i and isha were similar just two different pepol,

ONE DAY TO GO FOR THE GRAND FINALE

ok everthing was set, timing, place and the reasons,

well yes reasons - this was the toughest part till now, obviously our parents dint kno and all of us had to give them valid reasons of where we were going so we met up the day before and chalked out a plan ( ayesha was active here, very active infact, she made the entire plan worth our cocktails)

1. we all say we are going to buy engineering books,
2.since all parents rely on amruta they will call her and confirm
3.so amruta says yes we are buying books

(i hate dis part, i dnt like lying to someone others paarents, but i had been doing that ever since my freinds ya the above named got boyfriends) ;)
4. we buy books while going to cents , and then we njoi , and leave cents at 8 pm, not later
with this she signed teh paper and gave the sheet to me, all this i thought was crap, we could just say yes, but ayesha i mean firstly she was scared to come , now her coming had conditions, we accepted and rininmade the announcement

RINI'S SPEECH
girls , now we are adults, we are going to get ourselves drunk , after this night we will be proud to have done something not mentioned in our syllabus, we will be engineers who have done different things ,besides being girls, cheers to our freindship and cheers to this system of ours that make us want to get ourselves drunk, cheers to colleges, cheers to the last two years, cheers to this new 4 year block, probably after are college begins we want meet, but we will live our freindship....

ok this was getting way to senti i mean yes we were getting drunk, that it dint have to include our syllabus, ok rini dint show but she was frustrated, she was letting out, somewhere beyond that calm and chilled face of hers, she had this frustration she was letting it out then we clapped and hugged each other , we all were like kids then and we left, to prepare ourselves for the big day

that night i hardly slept, i got 4 missed from ayesha, 2 sms confirming that the plan haddent change, dumb girl she still wished it changed, 1 sms from isha saying she was feeling scraed, i called up isha.

ISHA SPEAKS THE SECOND TIME
(at two in the night)

me: u still awake?
isha:yeah was kind of feeling uneasy and scared
me: scared for wat? sab toh thik hua hai naa?
isha hann par,
me: isha i know u want to say something ....bol
isha: how do you realise this, nyways its not such big a thing and il get over with it, just felt liek talking to you, m excited about tomorrow,hope evrything is fine
me: u sure?
isha: yes damn sweety, chal lets go to sleep, kal milte hai....high on drinks!!!
me:gn

something trembled about her voice i knew kal kuch hone wala hai, i just hope i dint speak a word wen m high!!right i did have hidden things from them, my friends that is, well they wouldnt always understand me so its a better option to shut our mouths, nyways lets see what happens , il try my level best to be modest i decided and cozied up in my bed....facing the window...looking outside, the wind blew hard on my face, the night never seemed darker, what would it be being high, and what if mom found out?

well risks gets the better of us, widout risks there is hardly nothing that sounds interesting, i thought, just that we reached back safely home is all i wished, and i waited for the morning to come.

ALL MEET UP AT ISHA'S PLACE BEFORE

me:did nyone catch up on sleep? i couldnt, just slept for 2 hours m already high doubt i need to get drunk!
rini:well what were ul so tensed about i slept more than usual, but had to wake up at 2 bloody sms...
ayesha: but i dint message u, i just messaged amruta....
rini: ya dat dude vishal yaar , kabse piche pada hai, messages me almost evry 2 hours, m sick of him re, i dnt even reply...
me: well , vishal that science guy na, head of student department, he is a moron man, patil made him the head, a ninth grader can beat him in science nyday...

we all burst out into a laughter , isha too smiled, and glanced away, i asked her again whether evrything was fine with it her, she nodded and sank again into the no speak zone,i remained silent i took a nap at isha's place, my head was already feeling heavy, with fear , excitement, and questions, there were thought rotating in my head, most of them were around isha, and around me. somewhere , i too was depressed, the last two months were painful, everything crumbled like it was of sand, there were things that didnt take place, as i wanted them to, somethings were strained, somethings just turned their face even before entering my world....well ok i was unhappy, had given up on somethings, but still " there our times when life hits you on your face with a brick, and you think of giving up, but thats exactly the time u shudnt give up, u may give up later.."

we reached cents by 6 pm. it was a nice place, atleast the interiors were good, not obscene, we entered, ayesha was almost shivering, and was holding isha's hand like a child tugging at his moms saree, ok the crowd there we realised were well dressed, and among our group only rini and ayesha were best dresses, i had hardly even thought of dressing up well...and isha...she just needed a reason to be unlike others,we entered the groundloor, there were these group of decnt guys early 20's may be, they were having something in a big glass.....rini told me later it was beer, we went up to the terrace trying to look confident, though all of us were nervous

ayesha: man this is scarier than boards!!!
me:yah like u even considered boards to be scarier????
we laughed allowed and some heads turned our way...ayesha pacified us andkept murmuring some chantsmore to others than herself

we finally reached the terrace, there was no one except 2 waitresses, and a bar kind of thing, the terrace was big and had a beautiful view of the metro, the sky and the breeze was awesome, there were there was a sofa and two chairs, and besides there was dis on the floor bed kind of a thing, we settled to sit down, and there we were finally safe and sound.

GETTING DRUNK
we had no clue wat to order, major problem was that we dint kno wich was high and wich was sober,i dint want to take risks of being sober ....so VODKA it was, isha followed suit and another vodka, rini tried breezer with tequilla and some other combinations, and while we waited we had our chat, within 5 mins there were different shaped glasses placed in front of us and they left the entire terrace was ours, i stood up and went to the edge, looked down....cam back and sat

we cheered and den took the final shot vodka had a funny taste, the warm feeling went through my throat in seconds, and the warmth remained over my tongue for minutes, i and isha exchanged glances, well we were not high..., rini was easy on breezer ayesha highlightened us it has just 0.05% alcohol, and rini already ordered the next set same stuff this time, isha became hesitant ....but went for it this time and ayesha madam ordered VODKA, we all were shocked but numbed to ask her, she dint answer as well, the music played in background pink floyd was heaven, i heard once, u dnt have to be drunk to feel high , u need pink floyd,master he was of pain and music, the song i have become comfortably numbed moved r senses, i just stared at the sky above , it looked darker, and smaller , the wind was like blowing me away with it, i felt like this was what they call bliss. there was silence everywhere but actually silence spoke alot atleast for me it did, i could sense isha's quietness all spoke man... evrything . well silence didnt have to stay long isha finally broke it how i wished she hadnt yaar.

ISHA SPEAKS THE THIRD TIME ( this time for things to change)

isha:guys, whats when you are unsure about your family?
rini:hehe unsure , everything is unsure, man evry damn thing,
isha: guys you should know here i am celebrating that after 20 years of marriage suddenly they realise that they cant stay with each other, that their marriage was a mistake, that i was an even bigger mistake.

well what i heard now was not that you hear everything, your close friends parents and wat this crap,

isha: guys my parents are getting divorced this wednesday guys, il be in delhi after 2 dyas, deciding between my mom nad dad,when gals of my age will choose between extc and cse....wat to expect , when all you ever get is this!

she said dis and walked over to the edge of the terrace and stared blankly through the sky, her eyes had questions well but no one to answer, well the drinks got her to speak atleast .there was silence again and ayesha stood up and walked to isha.well i dint think the topic would continue
but there were other plans, well all today were destined to speak...including me so ayesha spoke,

ayesha:isha, there are things you wish never happened , and they do but we wonder y us, its not that, i love my mom and dad, but they are not mine,isha and guys, i wanted to tell youll dis long time ago, but nows the right time i guess, guys my mother tells me i am adopted, my real mother dint want me,.

ok this was it god all in a day was a bit too much, from where were all these things coming , i mean uve seen this in the movies and all never have u realised it could be you.

ayesha: guys to be more precise my mother wrapped me in a plastic and abandoned me in a dustbin, this for being born, dint she know i would suffocate and die, or was she so heartless to keep me with her for nine months and then give me away?

i didnt speak i had no words my heart felt a deep pain, when i heard plastic and suffocation this wasnt wat i expected , this was reality, however bad it was , it was the truth.well ayesha cam back and kept her head on rini's shoulder and wept, isha walked back and consoled ayesha. i just couldnt i was feeling low myself, pain and high together is bad...well isha had spoken, so had ayesha , i dint feel like speaking i continued staring at the sky, isha kept her head on my shoulder, and i thought it was over wen rini spoke.

rini: yaar sabke problms hai yaar, no ones happy, atleast all pretend, youl think i am tough and bindaas, guys my dad wants me to sit in his shop, and fake smile at people, he doesnt want me to study further, man can you'l imagine, evryday theres fight ,college admission too he will not come with me. guys all have their shares of problm, just taht we dnt kno abt others, but its better to face them we will have our times.
i cudnt resist.

i dont know what it was that made me want to speak, i just felt like speaking up, the silence that followed rini's talk was somewhat killing me i couldnt let it kill me, i just murmured something i felt the wind near my mouth move and hit me back.i thought of compressions, and rarefractions, my mind just filled with thoughts, random ,i dont remember nything in particular just loads that got stuck out, i wanted to shout to scream, i just wanted to cry and but isha kept her hand on my shoulders, probably i should not speak the dose was too much already so i remained quiet, we paid the money and left the place, we went to isha's hows to get fresh, we dint want our parents to even have a doubt.....we went back home with some engineering books in our hands and a heavy mind...

p.s.-[ some characters are fictitious, no prize for guessing], somethiongs are not true at times may be things that come in brackets, well all have conditions .

SEARCHING MR RIGHT

2008-07-10T02:53:00.000-07:00

this is from my freinds experience which i would like to put in words cause she is too lazy to type , and i found it rather interesting , than her interest.
PHASE 1

the beginning of college life, the new found freedom is all so very attractive, the gals and guys who were till now attending school , suddenly altogether become the dudes and the dudettes of their respective colleges, the change is tremendous, yes we do go to college but to bunk lectures rather than attend, yes we do write letters, but love letters, yes we do complete r notes , but just a day before submission..

now a mention of the viral infection one faces in college, be it the topmost science college, or the simple arts college, what one cant deny is the romance, the flirts, and ofcourse the couples..
The basic idea wich is more important here is "the teenage years" these years well can make u or break you, cause its this time that wants you to study at the same time follow trends and at the same time experience teenage love.

well as it was my friend who was till school a normal simple and intelligent gal also gave into this well not rilly give in...but we gave it a try!!

PHASE 2

college began wid the regular lectures , wich i hardly remember attending, and all the crappy assignments , projects, well when my mind was focused on studies ....my freinds mind was on something else , well to tell you the fact , by the end of first semester ...what r group was in the beginning had reduced to a group of couples where everyone except me and my friend was hooked.

this had a more severe impact on her than me had she realised the importance of me ...lolz.

nyways and so began the search , for MR RIGHT, for the guy my friend would date, for whom she would grow her hair long and would follow whatever he said, would come to college just to meet him, would write him letters ok now this was something completely funny for me to know, but she did tell me her plans and she did ofcourse involve me in the search!!

PHASE 3

this is what my friend categorised into all the boys she met during her search:
1. MR RIGHT but for marriage , i mean dis guy is the btech , mtech, earning ,listens to mom, and a guy one would like to marry. decent , respects girls, no nonsense guy.

(well we are just 18 so this was no choice, to be more precise we just kept him as a last option)

2.COLLEGE GUY this is from our college crowd, mostly the dudes, with spikes and brands, and deos in their bags rather than books, ever ready for gals, the flirts.
(these guys dont include guys from our group)

3.SHY GUY this may or may not be from your group of friends but is eyeing you, you turn back and you find him staring at you endlessly, but is to shy to come and ask you out, these are sweet and the romantic class, intelligent and innocent.
(these are generally a good choice but they are too dumb at times and silly)

4.MR CONFUSED i personally hate this category, they just think they like you, i mean they just keep thinking, and i really wish tehy just keep thinking and dnt come forward...these guys make gals wait
(i would never suggest her this guy , but)

PHASE 4
this is about the fight we had.
one fine day we both were travelling back from college home in bus, alon mind you are entire group(couples) went to watch a movie, i wasnt interested in the movie as well as their privacy so stepped back, my friend sad for her was angry dat she dint have a boyfriend to go with, and she removed her anger on me,

me: so why arent you talking.
s:(my frend) :just
me: arre bol na kya hua?
s: can't we get one single guy for ourselves?
me:for what?
s:to do our homework stupid boy friend
( she screamt the word boyfriend as if it was some life saving drug)
me: why all of a sudden u thouht of that?
s:look we didnt go for the movie, evryone in our group has got their own special someone, why arent we getting guys?
me: dont tell me u tried??
(ok we had spoken over this earlier that all had boyfriends and we didnt but still, i never knew all this affected her so much)
s:how is Jai???
me:who Jai?
s:Jai , arre dat guy in our lab, your lab partner!!!
me: his name is Jai? oh i didnt know! what about him?
s:is he good, i mean wats ur opinion about him?
me:for what homework no he is dumb, he was asking me sin 30 ka value
s:no dumb as in is he boyfriend material?
me:how the hell am i supposed to know?

i dnt know what was so wrong i said that she kept quite, well actually it was good that she didnt spekak ,but ofcourse silence spoke alot, i tried looking out of the window , trying to look away from her, it was not that i felt guilty or sad that we didnt have boyfriends, but somehow i wasnt the right person ,i wasnt good enough at consoling people, i meant ok there was a time when i felt we needed guys but that had not affected my life in a way it did my friend's , i mean we could still watch movies without them..!was that so serious.

PHASE 5

my only single friend gets into a relationship :(

ok and there was a day when i get a sms in the morning,
"hey , finally Jai asked me out, we r going on a movie date today, will tell you the details later"
ok now taht was a bit of shock i mean ok fine, but then il be like alone, il watch movies alone , ok i never really had pictured this, and i didnt want to, then the horrifying tag of "lonely amidst crowds" set up in my mind i dint think i needed one , but still was a awkward moment.
ok now i had to be this good girl who told my friends mom lies about us going together when only she went out!!!!

PHASE 6
the changes that take place

now my kind of good friend gets a boyfriend and i am happy for her , but then there are changes, things that come as a package wid a couple status,these were they.

me: so hows everything?
s:its cool re, being in love is so good!
he cares for me, we go out on dates , i like being with him,he doesnt like me going alone home, he drops me evryday..
me:cool
s:we are watching jaane tu on monday
me:we planned we would go together?
s:ya but he wants to see it with me, i cant tell him no naa...cmon yaar plz!!
me:hmmm(i felt like it was a sin falling in love, u dnt leave ur friends like that!!!!)

things changed with changing times,there were times when i felt she was wrong and then i felt i knew nothing , simply because i dint know what it was to be in love, finally the college virus had hit my friend and as far as i knew the last days of my college would be boring ,i had no group left,
well i did feel to find someone for me, but then ditched the idea, and changed my mind, well i was no good at wooing guys to an extent, i did go on a date that turned out kind of funny and later i dint really want to think on this, but my friend had been there done that, fallen in "teenage love"
well i was inexperienced and so didnt bother trying hard, and gave up...

PHASE 7

he leaves , has to go abroad for further studies. i m left to console my friend.

s:hey yaar what should i do, he is going
me: who is going?
s: Jai yaar , i dnt know why he has to go ?
me: to study i guess!!( wat a dumb question)
s:bye his call i need to talk to you!!!
shaam ko terrace pe mil
me:ok

like i had no other work and my life in college had passed helping my friends overcome the devdas situation, so professionalised i had become taht they knew i could help, i hate this, i knew as soon as i finish my college i wouldnt keep more than 2 friends!!! i m sick of this!!

PHASE 8

he leaves , and my friend is the new devdasin!!

she keeps struggling
the way it is and the days unfolds with tears and sleepless nights, and curiosity, and the days were filled with hopes and timings of when he would call, when he would speak to my friend, well i was sick again,, he's gone let him go a new bf wouldnt mind,
but my friend herself decides, i m not going in it again!!!! cheers to my friends brains!!!

PHASE 8

on the terrace,

i was standing there, nering the edge of the terrace, watching the small cars pass by, evrything here seems so small up above the heights, i thought to myself, the wind hit me hard on my face, i loved it though. i was thinking of what will i tell her , how will i console her, what was the drama she will unfold today?

s:hie
me:hie bol kya hua?
s:(pretending she is happy) kuch nahi , he is going abroad, but he promised to keep in touch,
me: (thinking its funny) oh so ul still carry on wid him?
s: ofcourse i love him yaar, and so does he!
me:(hmm may be, well long distant education suna tha, long distance romance!!!) ok so you still into this , are u sure?
s: haan m damn sure
me:ok fine good for you both

PHASE 9

i realised this would go on, and i didnt want her to be hurt whenhe left, but at the same time i wnated her to go through evry aspect of it , i mean you should experience the joy as well as the pain, it isnt that it would mind me, but i knew there was a phase she wished it never was in her life and i did wish the same!

s:yaar uska phone nahi aaya 4 hafte ho gaye
me:(thinking he had got someone else der) tune call nahi kiya?
s:nahi naa, kiya tha par utha nahi raha
me:wat do u conclude?
s:i mnot concludiong anything, wat do u mean?
me: be practical yaar
s:tujhse baat karna is dumbness, u will never understand me! have you ever tried and kept urself in my place, nah i shudnt ask , how do you know wat love is all about, you dint even have a crush, its dumbness
me:so!!! hows that related?
s: you just cant know wat love is you have turned emotionless, u hardly care for nyone, uve become rude , i dont know , i dont find you as you were earlier!!!
me:hung up the phone

well i was angry and irritated, this was a consequence of her love, why should i suffer because of her, i mean fine i dint understand wat she felt, but wasnt my fault at all that i couldnt place myself there, i hadnt bothered actually and why shud i, she had a life of her own, and i had mine, well i was selfish , but dats me, and she knew me well, didnt know wat love can do to all!!!

CONCLUSION

well we didnt speak for months, and later she called to apologise, butmy views had changed about friendship, and well ofcouse evrything connected to it, and i made up my mind, never to get into all this support system crap, especiaaly wen its love, i m bad a it. well Jai nevercame back, but my friend realised it late, she carried on wid his best friend, well may be to make him feel jealous, but that was it all so very fake, so very based on others, and so very not happening, so i stepped out of all the mess, well i wud be there if she needed me but she was not there nymore!!!
hope she finds the real meaning of relationship, hope Jai comes back and she slaps him, hope things get normal again.

p.s : i didnt get mr right yet, nor did my friend, she is still in search though,and i have given up the search, well if theres a mr right he will enter i need not search for him!

LIVING BETWEEN THE WALLS

2008-04-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

and how the walls that so very well built and so very well hid me from the so called world, just came crushing down ,came falling down the way i almost always expected them to happen. i found it strange, the very wall that wanted me to be in there was broken into pieces against its wish.well now the world seems strange much weirder than i always thought it to be. more smaller than it seems from within the walls.expectations they say is mans biggest folly, well now i realize my world is better of in the walls, better of thinking its strange to have beliefs ,when things can be just as opposite of what u want or expect them to be.so the wall gets built again the things get changed for reasons unknown i accept it till it all comes over again. till u realise that all you have is a life within walls.a life being called to the end of its sojourn. the wall shakes and with it shakes you .and you take it as a slave. beyond doubt the capacity of what it takes to be myself i realise what it takes for living outside my space.
never wanting the outer air of millions with minds to unfold a road to success ,a strife with yourself,a end to all scares,all in unison speak about being great .but my wall helps me stay away and stay awake.
blessed they say are a few who realise what its made up off, and i strive to realise wat it shud me made of unlike those accepting it to be of one type.

I don't need no arms around me And I dont need no drugs to calm me. I have seen the writing on the wall. Don't think I need anything at all. No! Don't think I'll need anything at all. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all you were all just bricks in the wall
pink floyd.

in his rough hands

2008-02-19T18:09:00.000-08:00

he was sitting near my head ,and his rough hands brushed my head , i felt the roughness in his hands,and i didnt like the rough hands but i knew they showed immense love , he tried waking me up but i didnt want to , i had slept late last night he knew it but still he wanted me up in the morning, i hated him very much for this ,but he always believed that i could and he never wanted anything more then i could give, my mornings always started with this daily ritual...and his was the face i always saw first in the morning, in my entire journey he has shown a faith in me i myself wudnt if i was in his place, but i know i cant take his place watsoever, i held his hands as he was leaving ,tired of a stubborn me nt wanting to get up, i didnt want him to go, i liked troubling him , but he didnt give any resistance and patiently sat beside me..his rough hands again on my head...but this time i loved it ...i wished he would do it once again...but he had to go and i had to wake up...

we dont speak the entire day to each other ,i dont speak to him actually,he keeps reminding me about all my exam dates and i just play a deaf ear,he keeps telling me important things and i show ignorance ,i try to behave very rude but he never has a problem with that, i never tell him any of my progresses but he knows them all...he never shouts and i take advantage the only moment i we ever speak is when he tries waking me up and i try not letting him go...

ps: i do love my dad in ways he and ull will never know and perhaps i will never show :)

two long years

2007-12-21T01:33:00.000-08:00

how many times,have u given up before accomplishing sumthing, how many times have u wondered the success of something, well for some it may be few days, few months, few years, and for some their entire life time, and for me its been this two long years , long years of struggling of night outs, of efforts that went invariably in vein , of changing batches one after the other, years of endless lectures, of endless queues for the ranks, ranks that i never had, for the endless tests i prepared for, but still the results never showed a wanted change,...two long years of never experienced before trauma, trouble, hatred, ...its how i have been struggling all this while ...for a identity, for a rank .but like i said it never came even near me...from elites to underdogs i have been in all groups ,been part of evrything present here, of good and evil ,more importantly i have met a person who taught me what life is all about, and what are we here for,
these two years journey started with excitement, hardwork, morning classes, when all were busy enjoying their vacations of 3 long months i was here with a few others cracking my brains calculating the gravity of our planet, but i dont complain cause it was my decision ,of studying cause i like studying, i mean that was something i did always from when i was a kid, its been long since i had fun, since i last played , its been a memory for me...long lost..
.But I don’t regret being here , because of all that I faced here ,it is, that I have learned important things I wudnt have otherwise, being in the company of elites to complete losers, I am not right in calling them losers cause if they were the so called losers they wouldn’t be here trying to crack the country’s toughest exams ,I made friends here that I think will last me a lifetime, but you know this is a place one cant be sure of anything, more prominently these two years ,have more to it than just a coaching class stuffed with students its to learn and accept failure atleast for the heck of existing in the class and signing an attendance sheet that doesn’t even have my name , I sometimes did wonder whether I was meant to be here, be doing what I am doing be suffering like I am , I did lose and find my self esteem again , there is lot to write but i think i will kep it for the posts to come...

AWAY FROM THIS WORLD...

2007-12-19T00:13:00.000-08:00

last night i was too tired after another day of classes, exams and the usual submission deadlines ,though i wasnt feeling sleepy when a thought came up in my hazy mind, it was just me alone, walking on a long road , a never ending one there was nuthing bt just da road below and da sky above, nothing but da lonely road, it reminded me of greendays hit boulevard of broken dreams...i could have stopped but i somehow dint want to, i just want to stop , i had an excitement than never before, i walked without fear, and i wished i would meet no one on my way ,just dat i dnt want nyone to know me, dis place was perfect for just being me, just the freedom i always wanted was granted i wish dis was not a thought but reality, but its not. the truth still is dat i am existing in dis world for some i am a frend for some i am a student, for some a daughter, for some a hope of inspiration for some a timepass, i am living in so many lives but all for others wonder wonder when il start living for myself...

just a beginning...

2007-12-18T04:42:00.000-08:00

"black" the colur of my background ,"black" the only colour dat represnts a whole part da evil,"black a colour opposite white a colur resembling purity, but black is a colour quite unspoken ,for me it speaks evrything, abt da depth of my thinking, abt da bad world, abt darkness though i fear darkness ,i love the colour black for reasons i dont know myself, but black if taken otherwise, symbolises depth, symbolises the not so good da negative .i sadly feel how people just look at the brightness of the morning but not the darkness of the night , and how this colour goes unnoticed inspite of being a major thing in our life no matter how much we ignore , positive and negative are two sides of da same coins called life...all write about the brightness , i prefer writing about the dark...